I find myself saying:”I am not calling there because it takes me straight to India!”.

Yep, I have morphed into a redneck hick who REFUSES to talk to “them forners” in Bangalore.

Here’s the scene:

I am trying to purchase something from Company A, but have to do it through a Company B’s website that represents them (No, I am not going crazy, just need to keep it incognito while I talk to the big dogs from A & B, who happen to be in the good ol’ USA (who knew??) to get this resolved). Company B is huge, represents alot, and has a website that does not work. Yeppers, I put in all my info, but it does not want to take my money. Did it four times, then decided to call Tech Support to see what the @#$%@ is going on. Even tried on the MAC and the PC!!! After 1 hour on hold the first time, and again the second time, I calmly put the down the phone, took a deep breathe, and called Customer Service.

“Hello, ttttttttthhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzz eeeeeeeeezzzzzzzz Raayyychel. How caaaaaaaaannnnn eye heeeeeeeeeeeeelllllp you?”

Rachel my ass. I am in India. Crap, but I have to do this.

So I explain to “Rachel” what is going on. We go through the process again, just incase I am one of the stupid Americans. Nope, still does not work.

Ok, Rachel can send me the necessary forms via email, so I can print them out and fax them in. Yippeee! I hang up and wait for my email. My email has all the info I could ever want on Company A, but not the ONE form I really need. Now it is 7pm and everyone had gone home. And it is Friday.

I wait until Monday, call again. This time “Vincent” says he will send me the form I need. I get the email, and it is the same friggin’ email Rachel sent me on Friday. Read your damn prompt list Vincent!!! I need something else!!!

I call again, and now I am “itty bit” pissed off. I explain to Dick (that is what I will call him), and he transfers me to “Michelle” at the desk designated to Company A. Hallejulah!! She puts me on hold, pulls up my stuff, and tells me she has to MAIL me the forms, that will take 7-10 business days. I ask if they are mailing it from Bangalore?

I send my concern via email to Customer Service, and Customer Relations. This morning, receive another “canned” response email from Company B recommending I use their online system to purchase and complete my transaction.

AARRGGHH! Now you did it, you peckerheads!

I decided that I am done dealing with India and emailed the corporate offices of Company A & B here in the U.S. Will post more of that nice email when this is done. Guess, what, I got a call from Seattle and New York this morning.

I worked in Lost & Found at an international airport for years. You know, I was the nice young lady you screamed at because the bag with all your clothes and your toothbrush was in New York, and you were leaving Frankfurt in the morning for a 10 day tour of 12 countries in Europe?? Or when the airline sent Lassie, your furry 3rd child to Frankfurt, Kentucky instead of Frankfurt, GERMANY? I learned these rules during my years of diverting anger:
1. Always let the customer talk, rant, etc, and get all the info, even if it is repeated several times in a loud voice.
2. Never EVER act like you don’t know what you are doing, and ALWAYS get an answer. Got a fast talker? Get to the point. Someone emotional? Talk about your cat, chickens, goat, or whatever else is fuzzy…..
3. Always treat them like they were your Grandma, and do what you need to do to take care of the problem.
Even though I am a bit of a hot head, I was damn good at this job. Even made some friends who brought me back goodies when they flew back home….

Heike to India: I KNOW you are reading a script and don’t know what the hell I am saying. I know your name is not Rachel, Vincent, Michelle, or DICK. I know they train you on “Americans”, and what you are supposed to say to soothe us. I did the same damn training myself, and all I can say is that your trainers are letting you down! Another first rule: When someone calls you, they are probably already pissed off. I think our companies need to bring their call centers back home to Lucille in the good ol’ USA……

Yes, I am a little redneck pion, but I am a pion with a computer and point to make.

P.P.S. I love y’all with smooches! I want to send you my book and make you laugh. I would love for you to BUY one, but now you can WIN your very own copy! Just sign up for FeedBlitz updates in the little index to your right. You will automatically entered every month (yeah, I know.), drawings will be held on the 30th or 31st.

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