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calling

A letter to my 13 year old self

In 2007, I was 38, I wrote a letter to my 13 year old self as part of a blog Meme.

I loved reading this again, and will now add my 40’s.

I hope this inspires you to write to your budding teenage self!

(clearing throat, wiping eyes)

Dear Heike,

Yipee! You are 13!! Finally, you hit your teens. Isn’t this the day you have been waiting for? If you could only be like all the other thirteen year olds…but you can’t. It is ok, soon, you will not have to change so much to fit in. Actually, you will be honored because you are so different.

The rest of your teens are filled with adventure, a few authentic friends, and many people who just want to take advantage of you. Heed them! And do not let them into your house. You will know who your true friends are, and they will be with you for a long time. Be nice to your mama, she is doing the best she can. If I could keep you off that motorcycle, I would. Too many close calls :), but you are a bit of a wild child with a very sensible brain.

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Fuzzy blast from my 20’s past

Your 20’s start out with a bang, and an accident that will change your life. You will think it is the end of the world, but it is not. You will survive the pain, the uncertainty, and all the follow up operations. And you will carry all the scars with pride, because you have conquered. When you are MUCH older, you will discover Frida Kahlo, the courageous and ingenious artist who had a brace just like you. I promise, you will overcome. A man you can’t stand to be around becomes your soulmate, and you will marry him. When you are 28, you will have a baby they say you will never have. She is a miracle.

Your 30’s are pretty awesome. You are a mama now, and you have learned from many of your past mistakes. Everything you endured growing up, will now make you strong and opinionated. You will become a Goddess, and finally find your clan. You will also find your path, and all your past and present dreams will make more sense. They are your calling. You will have another baby, and they are both fabulous. You are an artist, and your hands make you happy.

Your 40’s make you feel like you are 25 again. Not in the body, but the BRAIN! Your Spirit is vibrant, and feisty! You begin to get more interested in politics, because you want to make your home a better place to live. You become a very vocal pain in the butt, and people know your name, even if it is a bit difficult for people to say! Your children are now teens, and they are pretty opinionated, fantastic humans. They are a lot like you are now: primal, smart, feisty, wild, and they drive you crazy. Your daughter is the confident young Goddess woman you wanted her to become, she has enough confidence for a whole country.  You are becoming a mentor for a younger generation, as you walk between the lines of society. You are the keeper of the Goddess, and your work is with women & girls, making them warriors. You are still working with your hands, your dreams, and your intuition.

As you get older, your life just keeps getting better. Just like a good wine ;).

Love,
Heike

Do I dare live an authentic life?? Who will cry?

After a delicious and unhealthy, rich, decadent Italian birthday dinner, I had my Cappuccino. Now I am awake.

Yesterdays’ events, a conversation with a friend, and my birthday have brought up some deep inner dialog. Tomorrow (the day after my 21st birthday) is also the 19th anniversary of my car accident, the one that crushed my spine and put my life in a spin.

I deleted myself from a social network today because the amount of spam, crap, unauthentic friend requests, and bickering were going beyond the power of my delete button. Another step to “cleansing” the sacred space of my existance.

You see, I have found that people who drain my energy, who make my spirit sag, who are just damn annoying, come in abundance. They creep into my life as friends, lovers, business partners, etc. They change my true path by influencing my instinct. Once they have arrived, I feel obliged to be nice, keep my manners, make them feel like they are part of my life. Well, I used to anyways. A few years ago this changed, and I think the cleansing is almost complete. Nowadays I do not feel guilty anymore, my self preserving Bitch will just show you “The Hand”, and delete you. I no longer care if I hurt your feelings, because I know your line to me is not authentic.

I am not sure what brought this inner discussion on, but I am asking myself if I dare go “Full Monty”, and live the authentic life I crave. Will those in my wake be sad? Why do I care, since I just stated that I don’t feel guilty anymore? Because those that will be in my wake now are my last spirit deflating lines, and I love them the most.

Sometimes people enter your life abruptly, again to alter your path, but in a good way. Today, the woman who hit my car yesterday called me. She is very sweet, and says she thinks we “met” for a reason. 🙂 I think she is right, as my first reaction to “meeting” her is realizing that that 5 minute drive to pick up my husband COULD have been my last. And that I really SHOULD keep the mandatory registration and insurance papers on me. I think it goes deeper than that, read on….

I believe each of us born into this world for a specific reason or role. I believe in past lives, and think we follow the same core “path” in every life. So, if we deviate away from this authentic calling, how can we be truly blissful?

I understand that following these random thoughts may be confusing, and to avoid further rambling: I think the events from yesterday had a reason, and one of them may be the Universe giving me a nudge. I felt heat in my car in the afternoon, even though the air conditioner was going full blast, then this bizarre fender bender, and everything that came with it. All of this may be a mild version of the nudge that I got when I had my accident 19 years ago. It was life altering, and sent me on my true path.

P.S. No wine tonight! 🙂 I guarantee that all above thoughts were written without the influence of alcoholeeeeeeeeeeeee….