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past

If you could travel to any moment in your past, where would you go?

The magic of time travel!

I love reading books about time travel, of course Outlander had me hooked with the first book, and the Discovery of Witches had me up all night.

If someone granted me ONE, only ONE, opportunity to travel to a certain time in my life, where would I go? At first, this seemed like a no-brainer. But, the more I thought about it, the harder it got.

Do I go back to the moment before my car accident, the one that broke my back and changed my life in a second? Would I leave the house a few minutes earlier, maybe have an extra cup of coffee that would make me more alert? Would I avoid the dog I veered away from? Or would it matter, since I am the only one who saw the giant creature? As in any story, changing fate, thus eliminating this bitch of a milestone from my life, would change the course. I would have gone to New York. Even though I believe strongly that my children chose me, I am sure not having their daddy in the mix would have made different children, and I would not give them up for anything. They are the best thing I have ever done.

Do I go back to the day my daddy died? I was on his porch that morning, cutting his hair with trimmer side of his electric razor because we could not find decent scissors. His beautiful, thick white hair. He was a traumatized soul, stuck in a reality he could not deal with without alcohol. That morning, we were laughing and joking, and he said “When I die, just throw me by the side of the road and let the County pick me up!” Macabre, later. He also made sure I knew he wanted to be cremated, an issue I had to fight for later with the family. I left him at 1pm to pick up my daughter. I hugged him, kissed him goodbye, and saw him for the last time. Spiky haircut & no teeth behind his kooky smile. It still brings tears to my eyes. A few hours later I got the call, he was dead. He knew it was coming, I did not. I would have stayed with him and called 911.

Do I go back and see my Oma one last time? Just to give her a hug & kiss, and tell her how much I love her? Tell her how much she influenced me, and that her praise meant the world to me? Whenever I felt like shit as a new mom, or when I was homesick, I would call my Oma. LIke she knew, she would say something like “I just got the photos you sent. You are doing such a great job, I am amazed how you do all this!”. I miss her dearly.

The more I think about this, the harder it gets. So many situations that were traumatic, but the things that came from them are pivotal. Accidents, bad choices, bad situations…So many last goodbyes. Then there are the fantastic moments, the ones I remember that make me smile instantly and make my heart warm & fuzzy. Go back and experience them again?

The Universe keeps giving me learning opportunities, and I am going to ponder on this more, teary eyed & laughing at the same time.

Just in case my wand wielding Fairy Godmother shows up to grant me that ONE time chance!

Where would YOU go?

Much love,
Heike

A letter to my 13 year old self

In 2007, I was 38, I wrote a letter to my 13 year old self as part of a blog Meme.

I loved reading this again, and will now add my 40’s.

I hope this inspires you to write to your budding teenage self!

(clearing throat, wiping eyes)

Dear Heike,

Yipee! You are 13!! Finally, you hit your teens. Isn’t this the day you have been waiting for? If you could only be like all the other thirteen year olds…but you can’t. It is ok, soon, you will not have to change so much to fit in. Actually, you will be honored because you are so different.

The rest of your teens are filled with adventure, a few authentic friends, and many people who just want to take advantage of you. Heed them! And do not let them into your house. You will know who your true friends are, and they will be with you for a long time. Be nice to your mama, she is doing the best she can. If I could keep you off that motorcycle, I would. Too many close calls :), but you are a bit of a wild child with a very sensible brain.

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Fuzzy blast from my 20’s past

Your 20’s start out with a bang, and an accident that will change your life. You will think it is the end of the world, but it is not. You will survive the pain, the uncertainty, and all the follow up operations. And you will carry all the scars with pride, because you have conquered. When you are MUCH older, you will discover Frida Kahlo, the courageous and ingenious artist who had a brace just like you. I promise, you will overcome. A man you can’t stand to be around becomes your soulmate, and you will marry him. When you are 28, you will have a baby they say you will never have. She is a miracle.

Your 30’s are pretty awesome. You are a mama now, and you have learned from many of your past mistakes. Everything you endured growing up, will now make you strong and opinionated. You will become a Goddess, and finally find your clan. You will also find your path, and all your past and present dreams will make more sense. They are your calling. You will have another baby, and they are both fabulous. You are an artist, and your hands make you happy.

Your 40’s make you feel like you are 25 again. Not in the body, but the BRAIN! Your Spirit is vibrant, and feisty! You begin to get more interested in politics, because you want to make your home a better place to live. You become a very vocal pain in the butt, and people know your name, even if it is a bit difficult for people to say! Your children are now teens, and they are pretty opinionated, fantastic humans. They are a lot like you are now: primal, smart, feisty, wild, and they drive you crazy. Your daughter is the confident young Goddess woman you wanted her to become, she has enough confidence for a whole country.  You are becoming a mentor for a younger generation, as you walk between the lines of society. You are the keeper of the Goddess, and your work is with women & girls, making them warriors. You are still working with your hands, your dreams, and your intuition.

As you get older, your life just keeps getting better. Just like a good wine ;).

Love,
Heike